standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
