i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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