I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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