it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
