my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
