I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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