Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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