so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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