if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
