just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
