i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
