My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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