currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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