On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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