Im at strip club and am horny
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
