Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
