Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
