The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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