You made me cry and you don't even care
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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