I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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