Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
