Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Damn victory sex feels great
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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