I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
