You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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