I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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