Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
