Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
