I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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