took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
