from now on my penis is your penis
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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