I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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