I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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