"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
