i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
