I love black thongs
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
FUCK WHALES
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