i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
