running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
