If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
