like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
