Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
