All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
