I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
