Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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