i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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