remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
