There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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