Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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