I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize