There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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