It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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