Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
