She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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