weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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