So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
