i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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