first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
