Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize