DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
