My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
