Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
