based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
