Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
