I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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