Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
