she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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