Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
