I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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