is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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