i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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