how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
barbara walters just said penis...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
