Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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