I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
