I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You ate ashes out of my bong
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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